linking myself awake from a rum punch slumber into the azure blue of a Caribbean afternoon, I can just make out a Tony Curtis figure trying to keep a blonde with big breasts off his poop deck. Then I catch a glimpse of two more girls in inadequate bikinis, bouncing around amidships like deck quoits.

With the boat pitching and rolling to a rhythm that has nothing to do with the waves, I remember this yacht resembles less that of Curtis's sex phobic skipper in Some Like it Hot, more some sort of Love Boat. May God bless her and all who sail in her. Another rum punch anyone?

Yes, Maxim has stowed itself away aboard a 50-foot catamaran boasting a comely crew of 'high-class escorts' (female - no cabin boys to roger here). Steering the boat is a gracious English skipper, who we shall call Fred, and his American first mate, aided by a red-headed American girl called Kelsey, whose main job appears to be handing out advice and Carib Lager in equal portions. There's enough booze aboard to all but sink the damn thing.

Who have we got to thank for this largesse on the ocean wave? Andrew and Dean, that's who; two men who used to work for Swiss banks but have now made it their business to ensure that any man's honest pursuit of sex, love and happiness begins and ends in the waters of the Caribbean. As long as you're loaded and don't mind paying for it.

For a measly $3,490 (£2,180) plus air fare, departure tax and other gratuities, you too can hop aboard the Viking Princess for a three-day/three night cruise around the Netherlands Antilles in the Caribbean Sea on an all-inclusive holiday with a difference. Did I mention that the comely crew are full-service escorts who will tend to your every need? Yes, the sex is all in, so to speak.

But before I get too far ahead of myself, let's skip back 24 hours to my arrival in the Caribbean. Andrew and Dean are waiting for me at Princess Juliana International Airport on one of the islands in the Netherlands Antilles ('Please don't mention where,' they ask. 'We like to keep these things a secret.') We head straight for the catamaran, where we meet Fred, a friendly chap from Salisbury who spent several years in the army before heading to the islands to skipper this sailboat of seduction. I also get to meet my two travelling companions.

Craig is an attorney from San Diego, California. He's a repeat client, having had such a jolly good time on the Viking Princess back in March that he couldn't wait to get his socks wet again. He's been divorced for five years and is currently single.

Reto is a Swiss marketing manager who immediately strikes me as too young and too good-looking to be paying for sex. But when I find out he has to report for an annual two-week stint in the Swiss army as soon as he returns from the cruise it all begins to make sense.

Kelsey shows us to our cabins. It's tight, but we're on a sexcruise. That's the idea, right?